Welcome to the conference call room, esteemed candidates and observers!

This is the official planning call for the first RNC convention debate. We are 100 days out, so mark your calendars!

Senators, assembly members, ladies and gentlemen -- you know who you are. You don't yet know who I am--

Yeah that's right, Mitch here, who are you exactly? Where's Ronna?

Welcome Senator, as I was about to explain, my name is Arachne Miller. I am the newly appointed coordinator for the convention, specifically chosen by head of the RNC Ronna McDaniel to pull the strings in a different direction leading up to this year's events.

Please note that our call is being monitored today by the rulers of Olympus, also the official sponsors of the RNC. They have graciously agreed to smite down anyone who tells an untruth on the call today.

[Uncomfortable silence.]

As such, honored candidates, I'd like to have us reintroduce ourselves in a new manner.

I appeal to your better natures, the ones most of you have been ignoring in order to further your political careers.

There is no denying that we are at a crossroads for democracy and the rule of law in America. It is also a crossroads for the survival of the human race. Climate change is our number one priority — and you’ve all been making it happen as fast as you possibly can. Y’all need a little crime and punishment.

So, we're here today to outline our debate calendar, meet the candidates, and plunge your souls into a fiery abyss just a bit ahead of schedule.

With all this in mind, let's kick things off with some introductions!

Please state your name, your title, your patron deity, and what they've asked you for in return for their patronage.

Who wants to go first?

Uh, this is Chris, I can start. Chris Christie, former governor of New Jersey. My deity is six inches tall, carries a knife, and is named Chucky. Chucky only asks that i give him airtime for his little movie franchise, increase drug addiction and poverty, and keep running my intimidation schemes, namely, speaking against white supremacists while being one. Go Mets!

Tim Scott here, current US Senator for South Carolina! My current deity is Janus, who wears two faces, just like me! I like to mix church and state just to create a little chaos for the especially downtrodden, and when the time is right, I'll be trotting out my VP and mentor, Lindsey Graham! Praise be to Jesus! I mean, Janus, Janus of course.

Nikki Haley: Are we really doing this? I mean --

Moderator: Nu-uh-uh, just answer the questions ma'am, hahahahaha!

Nikki Haley: Sighs. Fine. But ... Nimrata Nikki Haley, former ambassador to the UN.

Moderator: No, your current title ma’am. 

Nikki Haley: Former governor of South Carolina.

Moderator: Current title? 

Nikki Haley: Former Member of the South Carolina House of Representatives. 

Moderator: Current? 

Nikki Haley: Former president of the National Association of Women Business Owners. 

Moderator: Let’s just move on. Your deity?

Nikki Haley: Bobby Jindal. 

Moderator: Not your predecessor, your deity. 

Nikki Haley: Oh sorry, Donald Trump.

Moderator: Not your employer, your deity. 

Nikki Haley: Oh sorry, Donald Trump. 

DeSantis: DeSantis here, I believe Nikki is just trying to deflect attention from her current status as founder of the new 501(c)(4) advocacy group, Stand for America, which started out by raising $71 million in 2019 from several billionaires and well-known Republican Party megadonors, including Paul Singer, Stanley Druckenmiller, and Sheldon and Miriam Adelson, and Scott Bessent.  

Nikki Haley: Well at least I wear my heels proudly — 

DeSantis: Oh come off it Nikki, nobody cares. 

Moderator: We’ll get to you in a moment Mr. DeSantis. Ms. Haley, your deity? 

Nikki Haley: Fine! Well obviously it’s Halley’s Comet. 

Moderator: And? 

Nikki Haley: I have to add a mixture of volatile ices — including water, carbon dioxide, ammonia, and dust, to any drinks I mix and serve in order to confuse my enemies, and I have to wait 75 years before I announce my retirement and then unretirement from politics.

Ron DeSantis: Bazingo!

Vivek Ramaswamy: oh Nikki, that's a severe disappointment. You had to align yourself with the undead?

Donald Trump (sneering): Like you wouldn't love to have Haley's Comet as your patron deity, Vivek. Boy scout.

Moderator: Gentlemen, settle down, we're nearly at the home stretch here. Now, Mr. DeSantis.

Ron DeSantis: Huh?

Moderator (patiently): As we practiced earlier, Mr. DeSantis, your name, title, patron deity, and what they've asked you for in return for their patronage.

Ron DeSantis: Oh yeah. R-o-n D-e-

Moderator: No need to spell it, Mr. DeSantis.

Ron DeSantis: Oh okay. It's Ron DeSantis. Governor of Florida. I'm a Fruit of the Loom kinda guy--

Moderator: We're asking for your patron deity, Mr. DeSantis.

Ron DeSantis: That's not really --

Moderator: Now Mr. DeSantis do I really need to remind you of the consequences if you don't comply?

Nikki Haley: Ron, just pull the bandaid off.

Ron DeSantis: Fine! I'll tell you. First, I just gotta-- (Tears off microphone and runs out the door. A snarl is heard, followed by a man's thin scream and ravenous chomping sounds.)

Moderator: Mr. Ramaswamy?

Vivek Ramaswamy (smugly): Unlike my competitors, I know how to follow directions.

Donald Trump (darkly): Boy scout.

Vivek Ramaswamy (apologetically): Mr. Trump, I beseech you --

Moderator: Now is not the time for brown-nosing, Mr. Ramaswamy. If you will.

Vivek Ramaswamy (even more apologetically): Vivek Ramaswamy. Entrepreneur and professional child actor.

Chris Christie (bursts out): I knew it!!!

Moderator: And?

Vivek Ramaswamy (shamefacedly): My patron deity is Ganesh.

Nikki Haley: Why, that's quite respectable of you, Vivek!

Vivek Ramaswamy: Not the elephant! Ganesh. You know, Ganesh. Golden Star?

Moderator: Oh! Yes of course. What have you promised him?

Vivek Ramaswamy (unintelligible): ...

Moderator: Mr. Ramaswamy, we cannot hear you.

Vivek Ramaswamy (loudly): He wants to sing at the inauguration.

Donald Trump: Did you hear that? He doesn't even have a real deity.

Vivek Ramaswamy (solemnly): It's best not to speak on things you cannot understand, Mr. Trump.

Moderator: It's your turn, former President (if we can call it that) Trump.

Donald Trump: Donald Trump. Hotelier. Scrooge McDuck. I'll be opening the vault at Fort Knox for him to swim laps.

Moderator (sternly): Now now, we need you to tell us the truth.

Donald Trump: But I already told everyone! They know who I work for!

Moderator: Yes but Mr. Putin is still just a mortal. Who is it?

Donald Trump (in exasperation): He doesn't accept promises, he's not that kind of guy. He's he's... I don't know, you know, he's a special kinda guy.

Moderator: We know it's difficult for you to stay on topic Mr. Trump, but we need to understand why you rape women, take advantage of the people you see as weak, and what makes you so servile when it comes to a man like Mr. Putin. Is it (guessing) Is it in fact,--

Donald Trump: I already told you.

(Muffled talking between producer and moderator)

Moderator: I apologize. My producer is telling me that your patron deity is in fact Scrooge McDuck. And you did in fact swear an oath of fealty that included a commitment to letting him --

(More muffled talking)

Moderator: -- Him and his three nephews swim laps at Fort Knox.

Donald Trump (sulkily): I told you I was telling the truth.

Moderator: As we wrap up, you should know that this call is being recorded by the Russians and will be shared with WikiLeaks within 10 minutes of the end of this call.

[General sounds of protest and spluttering.]

Excuse me, this is Mitch, did I hear that correctly?

Oh yes, perhaps a little backstory would be helpful here. It seems that all of our nation's telecomms are completely compromised due to the fact that the heads of the telecomms are being blackmailed into sharing all information that passes through their infrastructure with a global dark web syndicate allied with the Russians.

We decided that in order to simplify matters, we would go ahead and replace our usual security measures with an assumption that a transcript of the entirety of this conversation will be shared with any and all with a vested interest in listening in.

[Blank silence]

Uh, this is Mitch again Ms. Miller, can you clarify if the transcript is being recorded?

Yes it is. On to the next matter! Let's talk about lighting, hair, and makeup!

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